The two miracles that changed my life forever!
For most of my life I have carried with me a sense of overwhelming sadness that laid buried but always there, lurking. I had become so accustomed to this great sadness that I believed it would always remain, like a menacing friend that that you’ve come to love, but would also like a break from every now and again. I am forty-two years old. That seems like forever to carry something that feels so heavy at times. I was aware of the trauma and tragedy that affected my life, but surely that kind of heartbreak wouldn’t last forever would it? Could it? Would I ever feel whole, as though the world had not stolen my innocence?
The great sadness began with the belief that I was alone, had been abandoned and forsaken by Love. The day I heard of my mother’s unexpected and tragic death was the day that changed everything for me as a little girl. I was only four years old. In the blink of an eye the world became an unsafe place, all sense of security disappeared, right along with the life that was taken from me.
I have known Jesus for the past fourteen years, but there’s always been a part of me that didn’t fully trust Him. After all, He had abandoned me in my moments of greatest disappointment as a child. Where was He when my mother died? Where was He when I needed Him the most? Where is He when all the bad and tragic things in the world unfold? He always felt so far off and distant. Even though my life itself is nothing short of a miracle.
“Where are you God?” my heart would cry, with clenched fists and intense fury that would bubble to the surface every time I felt let down and disappointed by Him.
The wall of stone that I had built around my heart was strong, thick, and impenetrable. At four years old I began building it, a fortress to keep me safe from the dangers of being hurt by the world. Imagine the wall at forty years old, after a lifetime of disappointments. One by one, I began removing the stones that I had built around myself. I walked back through my life, identified all the lies I had believed about being alone in the world, and the wall began to crumble. As the wall of stone began to fall, surprisingly, my heart became more open.
More open to love…
More open to pain…
More open to possibilities of the miracles I was desperate for…
As I sat upon my living room floor, feeling all the feelings I had been holding within me for far too long… Love showed up, and by Love, I mean JESUS! On an ordinary day, in an extraordinary way I was given a vision of that fateful day that changed my life forever. He was there!!! In my vision I saw Him very tenderly holding my four year old little face up against His chest, as I stood there numb to the worst news ever. The tenderness and love I felt in that moment is beyond anything that could possibly describe it. It was like being enveloped by the warmth of a bath, your whole head and body submerged, only I was breathing. Safe. Warm. Cozy. His hand held the side of my face that wasn’t pressed into His chest. He then knelt down on bended knee in front of me, and lovingly looked straight at me, almost through me. He never said a word. He didn’t need to. I felt everything just by the way He looked at me. The worst, most tragic moment of my life became the very place that I now feel the most indescribable and unimaginable love ever!
Why and how was I experiencing these miracles, I wondered…
Why doesn’t Jesus just show Himself to everyone who has ever felt abandoned and betrayed by Him? Isn’t that precisely what all our hurting hearts are needing? A knowing that we have not been left alone, nor abandoned to the whims and circumstances of this broken world in which we live…
This was not the only vision I was given. I met Love face to face, once again, through another miracle. If you have read the book you will know the miracle I’m speaking of… The very same night my dad and I got into a fight and turned on one another, the second time in my childhood that I had felt utterly forsaken and abandoned by Love. I was in counseling when I received yet another vision that Love had never left me, even in the most loveless moments of my life. Here is the part that wrecked me to no end about that vision. The night my father became a monster to me, Jesus was there as well, standing at the end of my bed. As I saw anger, hurt, and fury flash through my father’s eyes…
Love saw something else…
Love saw a little boy who had been hurt also…
Love saw my dad before sorrow and disappointment had their chance to leave hurt-filled stains upon his own heart…
Love saw a hurting human being with no other outlet other than his anger…
Once again, the Love of Jesus filled up that room! It was as though I could physically touch it. I felt surrounded and enveloped all over again, by pure and inescapable love. Jesus was not looking at me, however, with all of His compassion, although I surely felt it. He was more directly looking at my dad, in all his fury towards me, with an almost unbearable amount of love, kindness, and compassion. I will never forget it! It unraveled me in the most indescribable way to witness how much Jesus loved my dad in the very same moment that my dad became a monster to me. I am forever wrecked and captivated by that Love!
Pain has a way of desecrating our view of love. Pain has a way of veiling our eyes, rendering us unable to see through the darkness that whispers Love has left us. Pain has a way of shattering, like shards of glass, our sense of worthiness. Pain has a way of shrouding or view of the every day miracles that surround us.
Why was I given these indescribable miracles, these visions of Love? I still don’t know for sure, but I would imagine that since I was writing a book about Love, I would have to fully know what Love was capable of. Love is real! Jesus is real! Love is the only thing that heals! Love is a big risk, especially if you have been hurt by it. Along with most risks, though, comes great reward! I pray you open your own heart, and let the walls fall. You will be amazed by the treasures that lay buried behind them and maybe just maybe you too will find the miracles you have always longed for.
For the full story about my dad you can click on the first sentence and it will take you to that blog.