I have been unusually quiet in this space, the very place where my soul finds the room to exhale, releasing the thoughts and words that build within me until they finally find their way tumbling out. Whenever I write I try to write for someone else. I think about the things that I have struggled with and ask myself how I can help to nurture others who may be going through similar situations.
Can I do something different this time?
Can I share with you what I have been going through since the release of this book?
I thought that I was tired. It took an incredible amount of energy to write a book and to be a mom and a wife at the same time. I thought that my soul must need some extra rest. While that may be true there is something much deeper lurking just under the surface. I feel a sense of unrelenting restlessness.
This past year has been one of great reward where I have learned to accept and sit within my own discomfort.
I have grown quite skilled at checking in to see when and where my heart still needs another layer of healing.
For two whole weeks I have been walking around aimlessly, incessantly checking social media, text messages, and my amazon account. While writing this book I felt overly vulnerable, but I have been surprisingly caught off guard by just how raw and exposed I feel now that the book is out. I can tangibly feel the ache inside my chest, as it swells with almost every breath. So while I know that I may be tired, I have also come to realize that fear has paralyzed me, rendering me without words, believing that I have already said enough. Too much…
While I have heard many words of encouragment, they are mostly from people who know me, who know my heart. At the very same time, I have heard heart-wrenching, heartfelt, wounded words spoken over me which causes me to doubt, not only myself but the God who very clearly spoke to me about the healing that would come to others through my own personal story.
My most beautiful mentor warned me. She said I wasn’t prepared for the possibility of the negativity of what people might say. I very earnestly asked her, who would do such a thing as I pour out every ugly detail of my life for the world to witness? She was right, as she usually is, and I was devastated for two whole days. Her advice to me was that I needed to develop thick skin, and of course my next question was how do I develop thick skin but keep a soft heart?
I have worked too hard, marching around the walls of my heart until they finally fell to go back to that place of feeling walled in, temporarily safe from any hurtful arrows but also isolated behind a wall that only gives the illusion of protection all while creating more isolation. How do I stay open while giving others the space to have their own opinions and suggestions? How do I honor another’s place without dishonoring my own heart and journey?
My only desire is to use this gift of written words to speak the words of Heaven over every heart that is hurting. Even with the best of intentions, words can still be twisted, therefore leaving me feeling extremely undetermined.
I adamantly advise God that this was His idea. This was never my dream. I was perfectly content being a wife and mom. Had it not been for Him, I wouldn’t be experiencing the pain and vulnerability that I’m now feeling. The tears fall freely as I share my heart with Him. The ache swells once again deep inside my chest and I hear His gentle whisper…
TRUST ME… I WOULD NOT HAVE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS IF I DIDN’T HAVE A PLAN…
Even just writing this one simple blog is wrecking me. I suppose it’s another layer of healing that I need but can’t quite seem to get to. If anyone has any words wisdom or advice on how to stay soft while you’re living wide out in the open, I would love to hear from you so that my words of life don’t trail off into oblivion.
If you would like a copy of the book you can click here to find it.